Please listen. Please pay attention to what I’m about to say. There are things you need to know so you can truly understand me. Please note, this is not about sympathy nor is it a cry for help. This is simply about understanding and knowing.
My brain has a cycle. Over the course of about a month (sometimes more, sometimes less), I go through every emotion known to man with absolutely no trigger, and sometimes no warning. My brain does not work like yours. I do not need to see or hear certain things to ignite emotion like most do. I just feel it. Immensely.
The good days are really good. I’m happy and alive and bubbly. For no good reason. This is awesome, right?! Well yeah, during, it is pretty awesome. But with every high, I know the low isn’t far behind. It’s part of the cycle. If you see me perky (which I am often not), just know that soon you will see the not so perky. While I enjoy my good days, they come with a sense of dread because I know what’s coming.
When a bad day strikes, I can feel it days before. My body feels heavier than normal (That’s saying a lot.. I’m a big girl! lol). Everything aches, I’m sleepy constantly, and worst of all I’m OVERLY sensitive. Migraines fall in there usually too. It’s truly a miserable time. Over time, I’ve learned to deal and handle accordingly, as much as I can. Just know that “as much as I can” doesn’t always seem like much. It depends on the severity of the day.
This is what you need to know about my bad days:
- If you call, text, or message and I don’t answer.. yes I’m ignoring you. But not because I don’t want to talk to you or be there for you. I’m ignoring you because I CAN’T be there for you. I cannot muster the strength to be fake and act like I’m paying attention. I know this sounds harsh and mean, but my sanity is LITERALLY at stake.
- On bad days, I’m mean. I don’t intend or want to be but it goes back to not having the energy to be fake. I love my friends, to the ends of the Earth and on a good day or the ‘normal’ days, I’ll listen to you complain about anything and everything and be perfectly okay. Bad days won’t allow me to do this.
- Humor is lost on me on bad days. I love you all and I’m grateful that you try to make me feel better but this isn’t a normal bad mood. What I need is someone to just listen and be there for me. I understand you all don’t want to hear me bitching about nothing (because that is usually what is wrong.. nothing). I would never ask any of you too, yet another reason I keep to myself on the bad days.
- I cry. A LOT! For nothing. I may see a commercial with a puppy. Or a flower die. Or I drop a piece of a paper. I CRY! The WORST thing you can say to me is that I need to toughen up or I need to just get over it. Trust me, it’s not that easy. And if you say this to me, the wrath will not be pretty.
- I overreact! Big time! Most often, when people see me do this, they walk away, or they get off of the phone with me. Sadly, I only see after the fact that I’m overreacting. I often call a friend to see if I’m overreacting just to be on the safe side. If I overreact, running from me just makes me feel crazy. As if I need any help in that department, but it validates all of the uneasiness I have about it. To me, that says you cannot handle me and that terrifies me.
- Bad days cause me to shut down. I still love you, but it’s harder for me to show it. I just want to push you away. This has become my norm, because I don’t want people to see me this way. I’ve been trained to believe that people don’t love crazy. In all honesty, that’s what has been proven to me in the past. (I’m working through it, at least I’m trying).
After what I call the mean day, the sad day shows up. On these days I love more than ever. I often feel like I have to spend a full few days making up for the couple of bad days I’ve had. It’s a serious push and pull for me. Every cycle is a struggle. As used to it as I am, I can never seem to completely adjust. No matter how hard I try, I can’t understand it or grasp the fact that this is what happens in my brain. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to hurt the people I love. That’s why I avoid.
I avoid to save face. I avoid so as not to upset or piss off anyone. I avoid because on bad days, I will bitch and moan and no let anyone get a word in. I avoid because I don’t want to put you through what I go through. I’m a difficult individual to deal with. I know this. I require a lot of patience and a lot of forgiveness. No one should have to deal with people like that. I know I sure as hell don’t want to! This is why I make it so hard for people to love me, or even like me for that matter.
Know that no matter what, I love my friends and family. And I’m sorry for putting you all through what I do. Thank you.. well most of you… for understanding and tolerating me.
— ❤ A