The last time I wrote, I broke down and put it all out there. I was smack dab in the middle of one of my “episodes” and I had reached a breaking point. That was a little over two months ago and I have not had an episode since then. Until this weekend. Saturday was hell. Everything pissed me off, everyone made me want to scream. This time though, something was different… Let me back up.
Right around the time I wrote that last blog, I made a new friend. A man. (Ooooh, shut it! Pay attention). I actually MET him in December, at a poker tournament (red flag LOL). He sent me a friend request on Facebook, started commenting, messaged me, asked for my number. Keep in mind, I knew the second at that poker table that all of this would happen. I was NOT having it. Eventually though, I gave in and gave my number. The first time he ASKED to call (I’m not gonna lie, I was impressed), I made up an excuse as to why I couldn’t talk on the phone. He asked again the next day I think and I said “okay, fine”.
We talked for a bit about poker and random other things, no biggie. I remember thinking “Alright, I can deal with this. He’s a nice enough guy and he’s respectful”. We continued to talk and I could tell he was interested. Again, I was NOT having it. But he did not push, he just talked. About anything and everything. His daughter, my kids, poker… his life up til now, as well as mine. Divorces (one a piece), past relationships, friendships. Just EVERYTHING. At some point, I somehow (against my better judgement) began to actually trust this man. I even told him about my ‘episodes’. He was very cool about it, very accepting. I was thinking “okay, if he ONLY knew”. Some time has passed and we are very close, I ADORE him, but he still had not actually seen the mood swings in action.
This weekend changed that. I told him Thursday or Friday that I could feel it coming. My mood was shifting to that point beyond my control. He never missed a beat and told me he’d be there for me no matter what. I’ve heard that before and it never worked out that way. People see it and they run. They get mad and they avoid me. So, I don’t show them anymore. I was terrified what the weekend might bring. I just knew he’d see this and he’d turn and haul ass so fast that my head would spin. Expecting the normal response, I rolled with it. Figure I might as well get this out of the way before I get in too deep. So that’s just what I did, bracing for impact.
The first day, I was just in a mood. Pissy over anything, everything, and nothing all at the same time. Somehow, he managed to talk me down. Normally, I’d be yelling at him in five minutes for no apparent reason. But, he calmed me without even trying. I still don’t know what he did or how he did it. Then today happened. Everything just kind of hit me at once and I could not deal. I hadn’t talked to him for a few hours, I was laying in bed on the verge of tears and my phone rang. He could tell I wasn’t myself. I might have actually even cried which I NEVER do in front of anyone. He didn’t even acknowledge it. He just told me that he’s here for me.
The point of all of this… For the first time in my life, someone has made me feel completely comfortable with me being me; the bitchy, emotional, loud, bi-polar woman who I am. And he appreciates me regardless. He lets me show my crazy and he isn’t running scared or hiding from it. He makes me feel normal. There are so many people in this world who just cast aside the difficult ones while making them feel like it’s their fault for being that way. This man makes it a point to let me know that he understands that what I go through is beyond my control. He soothes me in a way that no one ever has. And I am so appreciative of him.
To HIM: Your kind heart, generous nature, and unfaltering devotion are exactly what I needed and I did not even know it. I’m so glad I ignored the thoughts in my fucked up head and let you in. You’ve shown me so much in such a little time and I love you so much for it. Everything that I complained about in my last blog, you’ve proven not to be true for everyone I come across. This world is a better place because of people like you. Joey, thank you. Thank you for letting me be me. Thank you for not making me feel like it’s not okay to be who I am. Thank you for being my friend and confidante. Thank you for loving me.
Good night All