It’s been a while since I’ve been here.
I used to be able to sit down with a pad and pen, or at the computer, and spill out every thought in my head without even batting an eyelash. It doesn’t come as easy anymore. I’ve become so closed off that I’m afraid to let anyone know what’s going on in my head. After all, if I don’t let anyone in, no one can hurt me. I’ve been broken far too many times to ever let that happen again. The times that I’ve let people in, shared my deepest darkest secrets, or even expressed concerns about life in general have come back to bite me in the ass. Hard.
People have trained me not to let my ‘crazy’ show. They’ve taught me that no matter how much they say I can be myself, they really don’t want me to be. I’m sick of being told that I’m overreacting. I’m tired of hearing that what I’m dealing with isn’t nearly as bad as what I make it out to be. I cannot deal with being made to feel that being me is not okay.
I refuse to cry in front of people, no matter how bad the issue may be, because I’ve been told so many times that I’m stupid for crying.
I find it hard to trust. Anyone. I can only share bits and pieces because I don’t want to hear the bullshit. I live in a world of my own confusion and emotions, barely knowing whether I’m coming or going a good majority of the time. At the end of the day, my mind is racing so fast that I can’t sleep. I am always so tired and that makes me even more emotional; out of control emotional. I turn to friends and the aforementioned responses are what I get.
Tonight, I’m introducing myself.. my true self. Hi my name is Amanda Rae Jones. I’m dramatic, over-the-top loud, sometimes obnoxious, over-protective of those I love, overemotional, and not always as happy as I try to make you all think I am.
If any of you cannot handle that, then you can kiss my ass. If any of you whom I’ve been there for a million times, can’t return the favor, then you too can kiss my ass. I’m no longer in the business of trying to figure out who is riding for me and who is not. I’m done being taken advantage of. I can only be used so much before I reach my breaking point. Right now, I’m damn so close to that I can taste it.
Apparently, as much as I’ve explained this to people, they still do not understand. I’ll break it down for you again. I can feel when my emotions are taking a downward spiral. My body gets jittery, I feel empty and numb, literally everything puts me on the verge of tears. I have yet to learn how to control it, but I have learned how to hide it. This feeling does not sneak up on me; it’s a process. I know how long it takes, I know when I’m close, so I shut down and ignore the world until the feeling passes. My temper flares out of control if I don’t walk away and spend some time to myself. This is not a good feeling. I wish I knew how to control it, I wish I knew how to stop it, I wish I didn’t have to let people know.
I’ve been called a bitch. I’ve been called a cry baby. I’ve been called crazy. I have convinced people that I just don’t care about anything but my kids. The reality is that I care too much. I don’t let go easily. I don’t speak up when I should; not about the things that matter to my own emotional well-being. I let it fester until I explode. At least once a month, I sit alone in my room at night and I cry. The only time I’ve ever told anyone this, I was told that I’m crazy and needed to get out of the house and get a job. Hell of a friend there, huh?
People think I’m strong because I never need to talk about my problems. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I don’t talk about it because I’ve been made to feel anything I experience is all in my head and not warranted. Therefore, I’ve convinced people that I’m a mean, hateful cunt to keep them from trying to get in. There are a few who have looked at me and seen right through me and I’m glad they have. I couldn’t imagine my life without them. But even those people don’t know how corny and naive I still am about love, life and friendships. The walls I’ve built aren’t only to keep everyone else out. They are in place to keep me from reaching into those deep crevices and pulling out the sweet, naive girl I once was.
She’s still there. Way down inside. And my body has programmed itself to shut down when she tries to surface. My defenses are so routine that they know when to kill her spirit and force her back into her shell. I wish I knew how to fix it. How to change it. How to get that innocence back. I want to look at the world and see the beauty in it, the love that it has to offer, the happiness that can be found. I want all of that again.
I am every cliche imaginable.
Those who appear to the strongest are usually the most vulnerable.
Those that laugh the loudest, experience the most pain.
Those who love the most, just want to be loved.
I’ve spent so much time trying to fix everyone else and make everyone happy that I’ve neglected me. I’ve been too busy building everyone else up instead of myself. Even worse, the people I’ve been building up, rarely return the favor. But it’s okay. I’m not mad at anyone. I’ll never hold a real grudge. I forgive too easily, I love too strongly and I care too deeply. I don’t want any of that to change. I just want to be able to show everyone who I really am without being made to feel that it’s not okay.
So… from now on, if I feel the need to cry, I’m going to. Fuck you if you don’t like it.
If I want to be loud and silly, I’m going to be. Fuck you if you don’t like it.
If I want to believe that romance still exists, I’m going to. Fuck you if you don’t like it.
I’m done being the bitter, jaded, cynical bitch. I’m done being the rock. Fuck you if you don’t like it.
To the ones who never made me feel like I couldn’t be any of those things, thank you. There is more love in my heart for you than you will ever know.