Unsettling

In the past three years, I feel I’ve matured a lot; emotionally, anyhow.  I’m aware of my flaws and have no issues admitting them. I accept them and I cope. That’s the first step right? I’m a smart ass. I’m jaded and cynical. I’ve also been called a hard ass. I’m over-emotional and I tend to be over-dramatic. Add to that the cocky attitude with a touch of bitch and you pretty much have me in a nutshell. I’m no longer so easy to get along with. I make people work to prove worth before I’ll count them as anything more than just some person I met one time. I know I’m not easy to handle or deal with but I never knew how much so until I met  my emotional twin.

I have met a man who is identical to me in so many ways.  He is harder at heart than almost anyone I’ve ever met. He talks shit constantly and hates to be challenged. He’s combative, defensive, and arrogant. He claims his arrogance is just confidence. I understand him though. That’s the scary part. He talks around issues unless you come at him direct. He can answer a question while making you forget what the question is. When he’s been called out and can’t talk around an issue, he stutters. It’s actually rather comical. This man never saw me coming, just as I did not see him coming.

The point of all this is how unsettling it is to see someone with all the flaws I possess. I now understand what the people in my life have dealt with since I’ve become so jaded. Being jaded is not all bad. With that came confidence that I never knew before. I’m also quicker to speak my mind. But seeing all of this in him, makes me see what my friends deal with. It also shows me what possible suitors see. I’m not necessarily looking for a suitor but I’m more sympathetic to them in a way.  

It’s really unnerving to deal with someone on a daily basis knowing that this is what my friends are thinking. How have they dealt with me for this long and not said a word?! This man frustrates me to no end even though I know how to deal with him. I’m one of few who can shut him up, just as he can with me. And believe me when I say, anyone who knows me will tell you that’s a talent within itself. I have an answer for everything!  I suppose my interaction with him has shown me how I come off to others and it’s time for me to decide if that’s what I want people to see. 

Maybe it’s time to let the walls down. I’ll never have the things that I’m not open to. And I’m not sure that’s the life I want to live. Time to reevaluate… Again.

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