Frustration

When a writer sits down and starts pouring words on to a page, there is always anxiety about how one will react.  Everything written is open to the reader’s interpretation and that’s one of the things I love about writing.  It’s also the one thing I hate the most.  When I sit down to write I can be completely open and totally myself.  There does not have to be sugarcoating, no words need to be minced, and I can just be myself. A person cannot always do that in person.  I envy those that can.  I started this blog for that very reason.  I know I can sit down at my computer, type what I have to say and suffer the fallout later.  Recently, though, I even consider the fallout when I’m sitting here typing.

I’ve come to my blog about ten times in the past week, started to write and then just stopped cold.  I don’t have writer’s block.  Trust me,  I have plenty to say.  However, I get to a point where I want to say something and then I think about how it’s going to make the reader feel or what its going to suggest.  I fully understand that certain topics are off-limits being that my twelve year old and most of my family read this, but I should not feel limited otherwise.  One thing that I have always been told by people is that they love how I speak my mind and I do not care what people think. There are times I do this, but I am not always like this.  I do not want to hurt anyone’s feelings, well not those that I care about anyway.  I am also terrified that someone will read what I write and see who I am at my core.  There is no one no this Earth that knows everything about me and I like it that way.

I’m very open and honest about what I think and who I am to a degree.  But what happens when I completely open myself up?  That is what I’m deathly afraid of.  If someone knows who I am through and through it gives them the opportunity to take advantage of me.  If I tell them everything I’ve done it opens doors for them to judge me.  I’m not perfect. I have never claimed to be, nor do I want to be.  My flaws make me who I am and I love every single one of them, well almost.  I’ve met very few people in my lifetime who are completely happy with everything about them.  I guess that’s just part of life.  A shitty one but albeit a big one.

I want to be that person that can talk about anything.  I do not want limitations on what I can or cannot say.  I do not want to have to walk on eggshells hoping that what I say will not piss anyone off.  I would love to  be able to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with someone and not have to worry about what they will say or think.  If I go out and do something stupid, I want to be able to tell someone without them thinking it is a major character flaw on my part.  I want people to realize that sometimes I just need to get things out of my system.  I have one person in my life who just listens to me.  Sadly, it scares the crap out of me.  I will talk for what seems like forever and get no reply.  When I ask why this person is so quiet, the reply is always the same.  “I’m just listening to you”.  That should not scare me!!

I am familiar with the listening process.  It’s what I do.  It is my role as a friend. I listen, they talk.  If they want advice, I do my best to give it to them.  If they want me to shut up so they can vent, I do that well too (shockingly enough).  Sometimes, I bitch and moan about it but at the end of the day (and I’ve only ever admitted this to ONE other person in my life), I thrive on the feeling of being needed.  It makes my life have some kind of meaning.  It’s one of the reasons I love being a mother.  I think that if I know they need me, then I will not be expendable.  Bringing me back to the listening friend, maybe that’s why that relationship scares me. Well, it actually scares me for so many other reasons, but that’s another blog entirely.

I guess the point of all of this was that I want to be able to just be me.  I want to  be able to talk to anyone about anything and not feel like there are limits on the conversation.  I want to find a way to be completely open with people about how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking and not be concerned about the repercussions.  I want to stop fearing rejection and negative attitudes.  At the end of the day, I want to know that I did what I could to make the most of any situation and that I said everything I had to say.  I want to walk away knowing that I did what was right for me and no one else.

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