Today was an enlightening day. Stuff has just piled on more and more and more from the second I woke up til the minute my day winded to a halt. Go figure, it began and ended with text messages. Seriously after today, I’m ready to change my number and hide from the world, well all but my family and a few select friends. Yes at this point, there are friends I’d hide from, read on, you’ll see what I’m talking about. However before I launch into my day, allow me to give a background. I’ve had intimate relationships with men that have later become friends after the intimacy stops. Maybe this is where I made the error. Oh well, beside the point and really too late at this point. Let’s just stroll through the course of my day and I’ll explain my issues and the point I’m trying to make.
I woke up this morning around 8 as always. Connor was with a friend, it was nice and quiet, I was expecting an old friend for lunch, I knew it was going to be a great day. I roll over and check my phone and see the name I used to LOVE to see on my phone every morning when I woke up. B had texted me. For those of you who are unaware, B was the love of my life who up and moved to Seattle. Since then he’s found a girlfriend who I am sure is a lovely woman!! However, he decides to text me this morning at 4:11 am (1:11 am his time) to inform me that he misses my mouth being on a place on his body I’ll leave to your imagination. THE AUDACITY! I chose at the time to ignore it, and go on with my day.
Around lunch time, the old friend let me know that he was on his way. I was excited. I have not seen him in a while and well we have been friends for like 17 years, over half of our lives. This man was my first love. Through years of on and off communication, we have now managed to become very close friends and I can say that I love him dearly. Our friendship has outlasted my marriage, two serious relationships on my part, and a few on his. He was always the one I wanted but could never quite have, not fully. Today, something happened that truly broke my heart. We were sitting on my back porch talking about the past, (not sure why we went there, but it happened) and he told me the story of how he found out I was getting married twelve years ago. I listened until he got really quiet. I looked up and realized there were tears streaming down his face. In seventeen years, I have never seen this man cry and NEVER expected him to cry over me. I was FLOORED! How was I supposed to take this? What was I supposed to say? What was I supposed to do? I had no idea. I am still in shock.
We spent the entire afternoon together. Now to backtrack a little… Before this man arrived, I told a friend that he was coming over. Knowing I had a visitor, this friend called to talk and also texted a few times. No big deal really. The last text sent I did not reply to until after the old friend left. I understand that texts can be taken out of context being that you cannot read tone, but he replied with what seemed to be a smart ass text. When I called him to talk to him about what had happened, the only reply I got was “uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, I have to approve before you have men over at your house.” I’m sure he was just joking but it almost did not seem that way. It seems he gets an attitude about most men I choose. Now, I know I haven’t always chosen the best men but damn it I’m an adult and sometimes I do not need the lecture, I just need a friend. After the uh huh’s and that comment, he just sort of blew it off. Which I’ve noticed he does often when I speak of a situation involving another male in my life.
Let’s fast forward to this evening. I posted a status on Facebook about having a great day but being confused and over thinking. In comes J to my wonderful story. Another man whom I have loved in the past and am still deeply connected to. We just do not talk that often, which by the way is not my doing, (just saying). He decides to post a comment on my status being a smart ass which I can deal with. I make a joke about how he never responds to phone calls or texts and this fool replies with a comment about his ex whom I despise and despises me. HAVE YOU LOST YOUR EVER LOVING MIND?!?! Ten minutes later, I get a text from him saying ‘hey’, I reply with a simple ‘hi’ and get nothing back! Why in the hell are you going to text someone if you are not going to reply to their reply?!?!
Okay, so, here is where I’m at right now…. I have a man who cried because I got married twelve years ago and NOW decides to reveal that I broke his heart. Then thinks I’m crazy because I never knew then how he felt. How was I supposed to know if he didn’t tell me or give me any signals that let me know that?! I have friends telling me that this friend questioning my choice in men is jealous and I have NO clue how to take that because I just do not see it. Are they seeing something I’m not? Or am I over thinking that one too?!?! I have a man 2800 miles away telling me he misses things that he should be getting from his girlfriend, and I’m about to go off on his ass via text. If I could afford to, I’d fly to Seattle just to smack him in his face. I have another friend who seems to text me just to see if he has my attention and that’s all he needs to get through the day. It’s as if he wants nothing to do with me otherwise.
Let me break this down for you gentleman. I cannot know that I break your heart or that you love me or have feelings for me if you DO NOT TELL ME! If you are not, never have, and never have any desire to carry on an intimate relationship of any sort with me, I don’t need lectures about the men I do choose, unless they are blatantly doing me wrong and I choose to ignore it. (That’s the only time I lecture you about it ;)…). If you do not want to talk to me DO NOT TEXT ME! And if you cannot say anything to me other than some obscure sexual, crude comment, KISS MY ASS!!! FYI, since you have a girlfriend, my replies will center around her and how you should be getting your kicks from her. Until you are single and in my vicinity, we are friends and friends only and are conversations will be handled that way.
Take this as you want. Get pissed off if you want. I’m done caring and monitoring and mincing words with all of you. Stop playing games because I am truly too old for that shit!! If you can’t tell me what you want and then PROVE to me you aren’t bullshitting me, I’m done messing with it and I’m going to find a man with some follow through. I do not need a babysitter. I want friends who give me the same courtesies I give them. And I’m done standing for ANYTHING less. Thanks and have a good night. 🙂