This week has proven to be very interesting.  Go figure, as it turns out, I’m way more confused that I thought three days ago.  I am so unsure of any of the one million thoughts running through my head at any given moment and it scares the crap out of me.  I’ve learned that I become attached way too easily and it takes way too much for me to let go.  Even after someone has screwed me over, I continue to give chances hoping for a different outcome.

I think everyone has that what if person in their life.  They will always wonder if things could have been different if they had done something differently.  Or maybe the timing was wrong.  What would life be like if I had been with this person instead of that?  The list goes on and on.  I have one of those in my life.  Of every friend I have, with the exception of Heather, this person for me has been in my life for the longest.  We have been friends on and off for sixteen years.  We can go for years without talking, but we always come back to one another and it’s like nothing ever changed.

Well, I realized this week that at any given moment in my life, I would have given it all up for him, with the exception of my children.  It never mattered who I was with or what I was doing.  I fell in love with him first and it’s like part of me never stopped.  Am I in love with him now?  No.  However, I know that it would not take much effort on his part for it to happen again.  I cannot figure out if it’s all real or if I’m just lonely and nostalgic.  Either way, I’m aware of my feelings and so is he now. I guess that is what matters.

I know that I need to move on from that but I am not willing to lose him as my friend.  That is the most important aspect of the relationship.  He gets me through things that no one else ever could.  He’s done so in the past.  And he’s always been there for me if I needed him.  Just to listen, to offer advice or even to just hug me.  And he always knows how to calm me down and make me feel better.

I’ve never found that connection with anyone else and that bothers me.  Well, until recently, but that’s not the point here.  The point is I’m confused and aggravated by the fact that I compare almost every man to this one.  I look for similarities in the friendships I have with any men.  I also secretly cringe every time he mentions his girlfriend.  Don’t get me wrong, I with him the best and hope that he is happy.  However, it is hard when I am not sure he is.  Even harder, when I know that some of the crap he goes through, I would not put him through.  Yes, I know it’s petty.  I’ll get over it one day, I hope.

For whatever reason, all of this came up this week.  I even admitted to him that I have always hoped that one day he’d tell me I was the one for him and we’d live happily ever after.  Yes, I’m a romantic at heart.  However, because I know  deep down that this will never happen, I’ve moved on.  Well, somewhat.  I continue to date and am not going to wait around for him to have some revelation that he is a jackass for never having chosen me.  Alas, life goes on and I’m working on pushing forward while keeping one of the greatest friendships I’ve ever had intact.  Wish me luck, I guess.  *sigh*



One thought on “Rambling…..

  1. One piece of advice. Choose to do with it what you will. Do you know what a regret is? A regret is a mistake without a lesson. Did you learn something from all of this? I would say you did. So Amanda, no regrets. Keep learning. Unfortunately, no matter how much we’d like to know we are in control of who stays and goes in our lives, we are just a passenger. Those who are meant be there, will be. Those who are not, well… you know the rest. Hang in there.

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