New Beginnings

The first half of 2011 has been a roller coast ride from hell.  Bad breakup, new job, thrown back into the dating scene, making new friends, losing old ones.  Everything that usually happens to a person in the course of two or three years has fallen into my lap in less than one.  Some of it, I’ve handled well; the rest, well, not so much.  Through it all, I’ve learned a lot about myself.  Some of it, I’ve handle well; the rest, well, not so much. 🙂  I’ve noticed what needs to be changed, I just need to get off of my ass and change it.  I also know that not everything has to be different.  Things that I’ve sometimes been blamed for have not been my fault, even though at the time I took responsibility in order to please the other party involved.

I think I’ve spent too much of my life caring about what outsiders thought of me.  And not enough about what I thought about myself.  All of that has changed.  I’ve learned who I am and where I want to go with my life.  If someone doesn’t like me for me, well then they can kiss my derriere and move on to the next person.  There are people who like me, even love me, genuinely and sincerely, for who I am rather than what I tried to be or what I could/can do for them.  I value those people.

I’ve also come to value those who tell me the truth rather than what I want to hear.  If it hurts my feelings, I know most of the time they do not mean to; they are just trying to show me where I eff’ed up and point me in the right direction.  I learn lessons the hard way.  So I have not always taken these criticisms so easily.  Most of my friends know this though.  Yet, I still appreciate that they voice their opinions no matter what.

When my heart was broken in December, I thought my world was ending.  Little did I know, it was only just beginning.  In the six months since he’s been gone, I’ve healed and grown immensely.  My job brought new friends, new experiences and a new life; a life that I had forgotten about.  I should truly be thanking this man, at least for that much.

With the new life came new risks.  Some might consider that a downside; I, however, do not.  There are things I’m experiencing again that I never thought I would before.  Things I missed, that I never should have lost.  I’m learning everyday that things are not always what they seem and that’s a good thing.  I’ve also learned to just go with the flow of things.  I have pushed a lot in my life.  So much so, that I’ve driven people out of my life.  And there is no one in my life right now that I want to do that with.

I guess the point of this is that the broken shell of a woman I thought I was six months ago, no longer exists.  I’m not whole yet but that has nothing to do with my love life.  I’ve learned that I do not need a man to tell me I’m beautiful in order for me to know it.  I also know that not everyone will think I am.  And I am so okay with that.  Life is what you make it, and I plan to live everyday to the fullest potential to get what I can out of it.  Recently, a very wise man and a new friend told me, “You don’t have to think you’re the shit, you just have to make them think you do.  No one is going to see in you what you can’t see in yourself”.  Amen!!!!!


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