I’m not ok, but I know I will be.

I went out last night with great friends and had a wonderful time.  While I was out, everything was so good.  Nothing mattered but where I was and that I was with my girls.  I’m not sure why, but I fooled myself into believing one night out would fix everything.  But now, I’m at home and it all comes back.  I just wish it would all go away.  The emotions swirling around me, the memories playing back in my head, the confusion dancing through my brain.  I over-analyze every little thing  And I’m sure I’m tricking myself into seeing things that are not really there.  I know I want to believe things that are not necessarily true.  I feel like such an idiot for even considering some of what I am.  It just is not so easy to drop it all and let go.  What hurts the most is that I know I cannot fight for what I want.  It would be a waste of my time and energy.  For the first time in my life, I do not know how to process everything in my head.  There is no black or white here.  Not when you are standing in my shoes.  The gray area is taking over and it’s driving me insane.

To you: If you’re reading this, which I doubt, know that you are dealing with things too.  Sympathy should not be on the top of my list for you, but it is.  I am sorry you have to go through this.  I’d love to scream and yell at you and tell you that you brought this on yourself and that is partially true but not completely.  At this point, however, in order for me to move on, you have to go.  It’s so hard to look at you every day and scream at you.  Not in a mad way really, I just want to convince you that you are making a mistake.  That I love you and with me is where you should be.  Even though part of me knows that is not true.  I know we have to go our separate ways now.  As hard as it might be for me.  I hope whatever it is you’re looking for, you find.  I hope things brighten up for you.  I hope you realize that just being you is enough and always should be enough for anyone in your life.  That is once you figure out who you are exactly.  I loved you then, I love you now, part of me will love you forever.  I will always cherish what we shared and remember what made us so great when we were.

To the rest of my wonderful friends:  Thank you for all of the support and time put in listening to me cry and yell and do whatever else I need to do to move on.  I truly could not make it through without you.  I love you all dearly and appreciate EVERY thing you’ve done now matter how big or how small.

*Sigh*  Time to move on…..


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