Struggling

I’ve been single for about eleven days now.  I will spare all of the details but basically, he was not in love with me anymore.  Understood.  I’m trying to pick of the pieces of my shattered heart but damn it, it is so hard.  I’ve tried convincing myself and everyone around me that I am ok, but I am really not.  And I honestly have no clue how long it will take before I am.  I’ve said so many times that I am not in love with him anymore that I almost believed it.  I honestly do not know if I am.  I guess the thought really does not matter.  It is just hard after three years to just pick up and move on.  I want to be ok, I want to hit him, I want him to still love me.  Half the time all of the things that I want contradict themselves.  I’m not bitter or angry.  I would love to be but I’m not.  My heart hurts.  And as my sister once told me, “When your heart hurts, everything hurts”.  That is truly the way I feel right now.  I know healing takes time.  The process to get there sucks though.

I wasted time.  I should have had my shit together a long time ago and I know that.  I knew it then and I definitely know it now.  I took advantage of so much and everything for granted.  In the blink of an eye, it’s gone.  I don’t have someone to hold me when I’m down.  Or someone to kiss good night.  And no one there to say “I love you”.  I’ve gotten through heartache before and I am sure in time I will this time too.  I just am not sure how long it will take.  Maybe it would be easier if I knew that we both had given it our all.  But we didn’t.  We both gave up too many times.  We took advantage of second chances, we took one another for granted.  I keep looking back wondering where it all went wrong.  I guess I know that but it’s hard to face.  And I know it’s unhealthy, but part of me just cannot accept it being over.

I love him.  I do.  I will always love him.  I know that does not mean I am still in love with or that I will always be, but I’m in the process of truly figuring that out.  This is not about fighting to get my man back; I know that chance has long passed.  It is about finding a way to accept what has happened and move on.  So if you ask if I’m ok, just accept that I say yes even though I may be lying.  I’m taking each day as it comes.  Some days are good, some days are bad.  Soon enough, more will be good than bad.  Until eventually, one day, it will all be memories.

I’m picking up and moving on.  Doing the best that I can to make it through every day is a struggle but I know it’s worth it.  I will come out stronger, happier, and a little bit smarter.  Maybe one day, I’ll find my happily ever after.  Only time will tell.  🙂

 

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3 thoughts on “Struggling

  1. There’s no “easy” fix to mend the hole that has been left in your heart or your soul. You’ve been there & know this, but it’s hard to accept b/c you hoped it would be “different” this go round. We all look for things in relationships/marriages that we hope will “change” or get better with time, only time can’t change things…it’s the people who need changing! I pray that God will give you strength to get past this difficult time, but also help you find out who you are…you aren’t giving yourself enough credit, start working on you & becoming the Mandy that I once knew!!! You are still there, you’ve just lost a lil spunk, get it back & come back better then before! If you need someone to talk to, I am here! Love ya!

  2. Krystal & Kim have said it all. Just know that I too love you. Been there done that & got a closet full of t-shirts. We all know it does get better when we get better. I love you, I love you, I love you!!!

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