Crazy Days

Oh, Facebook memories… such a bittersweet idea! The past few days have been enlightening reading those. It appears this time of year just isn’t a good one for my mood. I should have seen this one coming. Yesterday, I was in a good mood. For no reason other than I was just happy. Nothing brought me down. Then I wake up today.. and damn if it didn’t hit me like a ton of bricks. Poor Timothy called and before I knew it, he was getting a strong dose of truth and my two cents. I’ll have to remember to apologize to him later.

My mind is racing. Nothing is sticking. One minute I’m thinking about what I have to do this week, the next I’m in memory lane from 20 years ago in high school. I’m anxious. So on edge. I hate the bad feelings the most. I just feel dread. I don’t know what’s coming but I can feel it. I’m sure I sound insane to you, I know I sound insane to myself.

I wish more people could understand what it’s like to have to go through this for even a day. I know people have it worse. And I am not sure I could ever handle that, it’s hard enough to make it through a few days. Weeks or months at a time must be exhausting. And I know tomorrow (hopefully tomorrow), I will be exhausted. So drained. How does this shit take SO much out of a person? I’d rather run a fucking marathon than deal with this and I am NOT a runner.

I keep looking for a button.. life needs one. The big read easy button. Any button that will turn this off. Well, turn it off without causing me to lose me. Today is one of those days… I need that button. I hate having to turn off the world but I have no choice. My phone will go unanswered for the rest of the day. I’ll start panicking at some point, feeling like an ass because someone might need me. I’m sorry I can’t be there for you today.

I used to think transparency was the best policy with this whole ordeal. I think I was wrong. I’ll never not tell someone that I’m clearly certifiably insane.. but I think the best thing is for me to deal with the episodes silently. No one needs to be subjected to this… especially if it’s not something they don’t go through themselves. This is pure hell. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. On my worst day.

So.. yeah.. that’s what is in my head today. Hopefully tomorrow will be all sunshine and roses again!


— A ❤


The Bi-Polar Disclaimer

Please listen. Please pay attention to what I’m about to say. There are things you need to know so you can truly understand me. Please note, this is not about sympathy nor is it a cry for help. This is simply about understanding and knowing.

My brain has a cycle. Over the course of about a month (sometimes more, sometimes less), I go through every emotion known to man with absolutely no trigger, and sometimes no warning. My brain does not work like yours. I do not need to see or hear certain things to ignite emotion like most do. I just feel it. Immensely.

The good days are really good. I’m happy and alive and bubbly. For no good reason. This is awesome, right?! Well yeah, during, it is pretty awesome. But with every high, I know the low isn’t far behind. It’s part of the cycle. If you see me perky (which I am often not), just know that soon you will see the not so perky. While I enjoy my good days, they come with  a sense of dread because I know what’s coming.

When a bad day strikes, I can feel it days before. My body feels heavier than normal (That’s saying a lot.. I’m a big girl! lol). Everything aches, I’m sleepy constantly, and worst of all I’m OVERLY sensitive. Migraines fall in there usually too. It’s truly a miserable time.  Over time, I’ve learned to deal and handle accordingly, as much as I can. Just know that “as much as I can” doesn’t always seem like much. It depends on the severity of the day.

This is what you need to know about my bad days:

  1. If you call, text, or message and I don’t answer.. yes I’m ignoring you. But not because I don’t want to talk to you or be there for you. I’m ignoring you because I CAN’T be there for you. I cannot muster the strength to be fake and act like I’m paying attention. I know this sounds harsh and mean, but my sanity is LITERALLY at stake.
  2. On bad days, I’m mean. I don’t intend or want to be but it goes back to not having the energy to be fake. I love my friends, to the ends of the Earth and on a good day or the ‘normal’ days, I’ll listen to you complain about anything and everything and be perfectly okay. Bad days won’t allow me to do this.
  3. Humor is lost on me on bad days. I love you all and I’m grateful that you try to make me feel better but this isn’t a normal bad mood. What I need is someone to just listen and be there for me. I understand you all don’t want to hear me bitching about nothing (because that is usually what is wrong.. nothing). I would never ask any of you too, yet another reason I  keep to myself on the bad days.
  4. I cry. A LOT! For nothing. I may see a commercial with a puppy. Or a flower die. Or I drop a piece of a paper. I CRY! The WORST thing you can say to me is that I need to toughen up or I need to just get over it. Trust me, it’s not that easy. And if you say this to me, the wrath will not be pretty.
  5. I overreact! Big time! Most often, when people see me do this, they walk away, or they get off of the phone with me. Sadly, I only see after the fact that I’m overreacting. I often call a friend to see if I’m overreacting just to be on the safe side. If I overreact, running from me just makes me feel crazy. As if I need any help in that department, but it validates all of the uneasiness I have about it. To me, that says you cannot handle me and that terrifies me.
  6. Bad days cause me to shut down. I still love you, but it’s harder for me to show it. I just want to push you away. This has become my norm, because I don’t want people to see me this way. I’ve been trained to believe that people don’t love crazy. In all honesty, that’s what has been proven to me in the past. (I’m working through it, at least I’m trying).

After what I call the mean day, the sad day shows up. On these days I love more than ever. I often feel like I have to spend a full few days making up for the couple of bad days I’ve had. It’s a serious push and pull for me. Every cycle is a struggle. As used to it as I am, I can never seem to completely adjust. No matter how hard I try, I can’t understand it or grasp the fact that this is what happens in my brain. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to hurt the people I love. That’s why I avoid.

I avoid to save face. I avoid so as not to upset or piss off anyone. I avoid because on bad days, I will bitch and moan and no let anyone get a word in. I avoid because I don’t want to put you through what I go through. I’m a difficult individual to deal with. I know this. I require a lot of patience and a lot of forgiveness. No one should have to deal with people like that. I know I sure as hell don’t want to! This is why I make it so hard for people to love me, or even like me for that matter.

Know that no matter what, I love my friends and family. And I’m sorry for putting you all through what I do. Thank you.. well most of you… for understanding and tolerating me.


— ❤ A


Here We Are Again. But…

The last time I wrote, I broke down and put it all out there. I was smack dab in the middle of one of my “episodes” and I had reached a breaking point. That was a little over two months ago and I have not had an episode since then. Until this weekend. Saturday was hell. Everything pissed me off, everyone made me want to scream. This time though, something was different… Let me back up.

Right around the time I wrote that last blog, I made a new friend. A man. (Ooooh, shut it! Pay attention). I actually MET him in December, at a poker tournament (red flag LOL). He sent me a friend request on Facebook, started commenting, messaged me, asked for my number. Keep in mind, I knew the second at that poker table that all of this would happen. I was NOT having it. Eventually though, I gave in and gave my number. The first time he ASKED to call (I’m not gonna lie, I was impressed), I made up an excuse as to why I couldn’t talk on the phone. He asked again the next day I think and I said “okay, fine”.

We talked for a bit about poker and random other things, no biggie. I remember thinking “Alright, I can deal with this. He’s a nice enough guy and he’s respectful”. We continued to talk and I could tell he was interested. Again, I was NOT having it. But he did not push, he just talked. About anything and everything. His daughter, my kids, poker… his life up til now, as well as mine. Divorces (one a piece), past relationships, friendships. Just EVERYTHING. At some point, I somehow (against my better judgement) began to actually trust this man. I even told him about my ‘episodes’. He was very cool about it, very accepting. I was thinking “okay, if he ONLY knew”. Some time has passed and we are very close, I ADORE him, but he still had not actually seen the mood swings in action.

This weekend changed that. I told him Thursday or Friday that I could feel it coming. My mood was shifting to that point beyond my control. He never missed a beat and told me he’d be there for me no matter what. I’ve heard that before and it never worked out that way. People see it and they run. They get mad and they avoid me. So, I don’t show them anymore. I was terrified what the weekend might bring. I just knew he’d see this and he’d turn and haul ass so fast that my head would spin. Expecting the normal response, I rolled with it. Figure I might as well get this out of the way before I get in too deep. So that’s just what I did, bracing for impact.

The first day, I was just in a mood. Pissy over anything, everything, and nothing all at the same time. Somehow, he managed to talk me down. Normally, I’d be yelling at him in five minutes for no apparent reason. But, he calmed me without even trying. I still don’t know what he did or how he did it. Then today happened. Everything just kind of hit me at once and I could not deal. I hadn’t talked to him for a few hours, I was laying in bed on the verge of tears and my phone rang. He could tell I wasn’t myself. I might have actually even cried which I NEVER do in front of anyone. He didn’t even acknowledge it. He just told me that he’s here for me.

The point of all of this… For the first time in my life, someone has made me feel completely comfortable with me being me; the bitchy, emotional, loud, bi-polar woman who I am. And he appreciates me regardless. He lets me show my crazy and he isn’t running scared or hiding from it. He makes me feel normal. There are so many people in this world who just cast aside the difficult ones while making them feel like it’s their fault for being that way. This man makes it a point to let me know that he understands that what I go through is beyond my control. He soothes me in a way that no one ever has. And I am so appreciative of him.

To HIM: Your kind heart, generous nature, and unfaltering devotion are exactly what I needed and I did not even know it. I’m so glad I ignored the thoughts in my fucked up head and let you in. You’ve shown me so much in such a little time and I love you so much for it. Everything that I complained about in my last blog, you’ve proven not to be true for everyone I come across. This world is a better place because of people like you. Joey, thank you. Thank you for letting me be me. Thank you for not making me feel like it’s not okay to be who I am. Thank you for being my friend and confidante. Thank you for loving me.


Good night All

❤ –A



It’s been a while…

It’s been a while since I’ve been here.

I used to be able to sit down with a pad and pen, or at the computer, and spill out every thought in my head without even batting an eyelash. It doesn’t come as easy anymore. I’ve become so closed off that I’m afraid to let anyone know what’s going on in my head. After all, if I don’t let anyone in, no one can hurt me. I’ve been broken far too many times to ever let that happen again. The times that I’ve let people in, shared my deepest darkest secrets, or even expressed concerns about life in general have come back to bite me in the ass. Hard.

People have trained me not to let my ‘crazy’ show. They’ve taught me that no matter how much they say I can be myself, they really don’t want me to be. I’m sick of being told that I’m overreacting. I’m tired of hearing that what I’m dealing with isn’t nearly as bad as what I make it out to be. I cannot deal with being made to feel that being me is not okay.

I refuse to cry in front of people, no matter how bad the issue may be, because I’ve been told so many times that I’m stupid for crying.

I find it hard to trust. Anyone. I can only share bits and pieces because I don’t want to hear the bullshit. I live in a world of my own confusion and emotions, barely knowing whether I’m coming or going a good majority of the time. At the end of the day, my mind is racing so fast that I can’t sleep. I am always so tired and that makes me even more emotional; out of control emotional. I turn to friends and the aforementioned responses are what I get.

Tonight, I’m introducing myself.. my true self. Hi my name is Amanda Rae Jones. I’m dramatic, over-the-top loud, sometimes obnoxious, over-protective of those I love, overemotional, and not always as happy as I try to make you all think I am.

If any of you cannot handle that, then you can kiss my ass. If any of you whom I’ve been there for a million times, can’t return the favor, then you too can kiss my ass. I’m no longer in the business of trying to figure out who is riding for me and who is not. I’m done being taken advantage of. I can only be used so much before I reach my breaking point. Right now, I’m damn so close to that I can taste it.

Apparently, as much as I’ve explained this to people, they still do not understand. I’ll break it down for you again. I can feel when my emotions are taking a downward spiral. My body gets jittery, I feel empty and numb, literally everything puts me on the verge of tears. I have yet to learn how to control it, but I have learned how to hide it. This feeling does not sneak up on me; it’s a process. I know how long it takes, I know when I’m close, so I shut down and ignore the world until the feeling passes. My temper flares out of control if I don’t walk away and spend some time to myself. This is not a good feeling. I wish I knew how to control it, I wish I knew how to stop it, I wish I didn’t have to let people know.

I’ve been called a bitch. I’ve been called a cry baby. I’ve been called crazy. I have convinced people that I just don’t care about anything but my kids. The reality is that I care too much. I don’t let go easily. I don’t speak up when I should; not about the things that matter to my own emotional well-being. I let it fester until I explode. At least once a month, I sit alone in my room at night and I cry. The only time I’ve ever told anyone this, I was told that I’m crazy and needed to get out of the house and get a job. Hell of a friend there, huh?

People think I’m strong because I never need to talk about my problems. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I don’t talk about it because I’ve been made to feel anything I experience is all in my head and not warranted. Therefore, I’ve convinced people that I’m a mean, hateful cunt to keep them from trying to get in. There are a few who have looked at me and seen right through me and I’m glad they have. I couldn’t imagine my life without them. But even those people don’t know how corny and naive I still am about love, life and friendships. The walls I’ve built aren’t only to keep everyone else out. They are in place to keep me from reaching into those deep crevices and pulling out the sweet, naive girl I once was.

She’s still there. Way down inside. And my body has programmed itself to shut down when she tries to surface. My defenses are so routine that they know when to kill her spirit and force her back into her shell. I wish I knew how to fix it. How to change it. How to get that innocence back. I want to look at the world and see the beauty in it, the love that it has to offer, the happiness that can be found. I want all of that again.

I am every cliche imaginable.

Those who appear to the strongest are usually the most vulnerable.

Those that laugh the loudest, experience the most pain.

Those who love the most, just want to be loved.

Sad, huh?

I’ve spent so much time trying to fix everyone else and make everyone happy that I’ve neglected me. I’ve been too busy building everyone else up instead of myself. Even worse, the people I’ve been building up, rarely return the favor. But it’s okay. I’m not mad at anyone. I’ll never hold a real grudge. I forgive too easily, I love too strongly and I care too deeply. I don’t want any of that to change. I just want to be able to show everyone who I really am without being made to feel that it’s not okay.

So… from now on, if I feel the need to cry, I’m going to. Fuck you if you don’t like it.

If I want to be loud and silly, I’m going to be. Fuck you if you don’t like it.

If I want to believe that romance still exists, I’m going to. Fuck you if you don’t like it.

I’m done being the bitter, jaded, cynical bitch. I’m done being the rock. Fuck you if you don’t like it.

To the ones who never made me feel like I couldn’t be any of those things, thank you. There is more love in my heart for you than you will ever know.



❤ –A


Dear Ex-Best Friend…

Dear Ex-Best friend,

There are some things I believe that went unsaid and I need to get them off of my chest to gain complete closure. I’ve said all of my apologies but I’ll say them again. I cannot apologize enough for the role I played in the destruction of our friendship. At the time of our disagreement, my apologies included a lot of “buts” and “howevers”. If those are added, the sentiment is lost. Regardless of your actions, mine should have gone differently. Instead of discussing how your actions were bothering me, I chose to let them simmer and fester and grow. Yes, I knew better; no, I did not care (at that time). With that being said:

I am sorry that I did not do what I had committed to. I did fail in that aspect and I see now how wrong that was. I hope (if you read this), you can accept it.

At the time everything went on, I was so mad that I did not realize how hurt I was. I continued to be mad for quite some time. So much time that I still could not see the hurt that I suffered. It is now starting to set in. What I feel now is pure sadness. My heart is broken that you could possibly think that I was using you for my own personal gain. In just over five years of friendship, we went through a lot. More than most friendships can stand but we came out better every time. From my break up with Robbie, yours with Sierra, your coke addiction, a few business fails, and two other catastrophic losses in my life, we were there for one another through it all. As often as you were an ass, you were just as often one of the kindest people I knew.

All of that was gone in an instant over something so trivial and stupid. I admit now that I never believed that Save the Name would be anything grand or financially beneficial. I jumped on board because you believed in it and I believed in you. In a way, I guess I idolized you. You were my big brother. You could do anything. And you always have great ideas, you just suck at follow through sometimes. At the end of the day, I just could not put as much heart and soul into it as you did. Looking back, I wish I would have just told you that sooner. Maybe all of this could have been avoided.

I will not lie, I do miss you. There are times when something stupid happens and I pick up the phone to call you and realize that you are not available to me any longer. It sucks. A lot. Yet, I realize it’s something that I have to live with.

I just want you to know that I forgive you. Not for you, but for me. I have to to move on. I hope you can forgive me as well, for you. I’m sure you already have. You were always better at that than I was. Also, I wish you the best in everything. I hope you find that one thing that can make you set for life. Not only financially but mentally and spiritually. I hope you find the one thing that can make you happier than you’ve ever been. I hope you have the family you always wanted and the amazing things you strive for. Most of all, I hope you find you. I know you were working on it, but I’m not sure you were quite there. And I admit I have no clue now. You’re better than you let people see. You’re better than you let yourself see. Be the man that I know you can be, the man that I had faith in, the man I so looked up to. Part of me still does and always will adore you, and I will always cherish the time we spent as friends and the lessons you taught me.

Goodbye Good Sir.


Your Ex-best friend


Loving without being loved…

Human nature is a funny thing. No matter how hard we fight or try to give up on certain things, it seems we still always want the one thing we cannot have. The same pattern repeats itself over and over again. I wish there was a magic button somewhere to turn feelings on and off. At least then, I’d feel like I had a little bit of control over my emotions. I know that I’d never be able to make someone love me, but at least I’d be able to make myself stop loving him. I would stop hoping against hope that he might one day love me the way that I do him. Every day my head tells me that he will never feel the same way that I do and as much as I hate to admit it, I know that this is the reality of my situation. However, for some reason, my heart will not allow me to let go. If I let go, I lose him completely. Through the years, I’ve moved on. I have fallen in love with two other men, neither of which I’m positive loved me (see a pattern?). Other men have fallen in love with me, none of whom I’ve been in love with. While involved elsewhere, I have given him up but I always find my way back to him. I’ve always missed him when he wasn’t there. I’ve always loved him. Nothing could ever change that.
Sometimes I feel like life would be easier with that magic button. What if I could turn my emotions on and off? What I could look at relationships like he does; as a business arrangement? At the end of the day, most people are only after what they can get out of someone anyway. What if I could get involved without emotion? Obviously, I’ve proven I’m not good at that. I fall. I fall hard. I get attached and can never seem to move on. Maybe if at any point he had loved me, it would be easier to say we at least tried and it didn’t work. Then I could away with the feeling that it was good while it lasted. But I’ve never even been given the chance. I’ve always been told “it’s not you, it’s me”, “timing’s always been off”, and my personal favorite (note the sarcasm, please), “it’s not personal”. Well guess what fool, it’s been twenty years. If in that span of time, there was never a right time, then it wasn’t timing. He’s loved other women in that time, been in relationships in that time, and given women the chance he never gave me in that time. How am I NOT supposed to that personally? If there was never a right time, I’m not, nor will I ever be, the right girl. I KNOW all of this, yet here I am still fighting and hoping and waiting.
For so long, I convinced myself that me loving him with nothing in return was enough. I didn’t listen when even HE told me I deserved better. I guess looking back, I knew it too. Well not better, but different. He’s not a bad guy and I do not want to give that impression. He’s just.. well I won’t get into that because well, I just don’t know exactly.
Recently, I had a conversation with a good friend of mine about everything from our kids, to life in general to love and relationships. In high school, he was I guess what you’d consider the player type. He had a long-lasting relationship, had kids, and in the end, it didn’t work out. Listening to him talk, something dawned on me. The way he spoke let me to believe that there are certain things he’s never experienced so I asked him “Have you ever been in love”. His answer was simple, “I honestly don’t think I have.” I remember at the time thinking how sad it was that he’s never felt that. Now that I look back on it, maybe he’s the lucky one. He’s never suffered through a broken heart. He’s never had to get over anyone. He’s never had to hear anyone tell him they didn’t love him back. Maybe that’s not such a bad life. After all, what good is loving someone who does not return the feeling? That goes for the opposite too. There is not much point in someone loving you if you will never love them back. I’ve been on that side as well. As much as it hurts to have your heart-broken, breaking someone else’s heart is not an easy road either.
Sometimes I feel like life would be easier if romantic love was never a factor. Love is a beautiful a thing and I’ll never feel like I should not love someone. However, I think the fairy tale has faded. Happily ever after may not mean spending forever with that one special person. Does that mean I don’t want that? Not at all, but I think I’m okay with the possibility that it might not happen for me. I’ve loved, I’ve been loved and I have three amazing children and some great friends to keep me company. Regardless of what happens, I’ll be happy with God gives me. In the meantime, I’ll struggle through the why it can’t be him questions. At some point, hopefully sooner rather than later, I’ll decide that I need more and walk away completely. I know he’s all or nothing for me and since I’ll never get it all, I will eventually settle for nothing. I dread the day that I have to say goodbye to him but I know it’s inevitable. I know that I’ll never know the real reason why he couldn’t love me. I’ll never know why he hung around knowing how I feel and that he’d never feel the same way. Maybe some things just are not meant for me to know. I just know that it all has a purpose that I’ll one day understand even if I do not hold all of the answers in my hand. And regardless of what he says, I will always believe that I’ll have a special place in his heart even if we could never be together. I don’t know if that will be enough, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. I’ll be okay knowing that at least one woman showed him what’s it like to truly be loved and maybe that’s why we were brought together for a period of time. I can only hope that will be enough for me. And for him.

I want a man who

I want a man who:

Doesn’t just listen to me, he hears me

Doesn’t just look at me, he sees me

Doesn’t just touch me, he feels me

Doesn’t just kiss me, he tastes me

Doesn’t just understand me, he gets me

I want a man who:

Dominates me without controlling me

Wants me without obsessing over me

Owns me without possessing me

Seduces me without manipulating me

Holds me without smothering me

Scolds me without demeaning me

I want a man who:

Feels passion as strongly as I do

Breathes in rhythm with my breaths

Matches my movements, ebbs and flows

And guides me where he want me to go

Begins and ends tangled up in me.


My life has a distinct pattern: I date and play the field for a bit, end up in a dead end relationship, end said relationship, spend some time single. Repeat pattern. Over and over and over again.

Throughout this wretched pattern, a few major players are always hanging around; the three men who have never given me the chance to make things real with them. There was never any commitment with these men. No labels. No expectations. Yet, these are the only men I have ever truly been in love with. 

Gosh, three! Is that a lot? It sounds like a lot, especially since I’m not with any of them now. Whatever happened to getting it right the first time? Is that even possible anymore? Of my closest friends, none are married. Only one is in a relationship that he is truly happy in. The rest are single or in a crappy relationship, yet they remain there.

Is being alone really that scary? Sometimes, I think most would be better off that way. My ex-mother-mother-in-law did it. And she is truly the strongest, most well rounded woman I know. I think she had the right idea. Dating just is not worth it. And being single in your 30’s seems to give people the idea that you have the plague or something. Recently, a friend of mine, a single mother of two boys, talked to me about wanting to switch churches because the one she attends is not good about including uncoupled people. Couples hang with couples. Same thing when your friend starts dating someone new and you’re not. Here you are, single and bored, and he or she is going on about the awesome date she had last night. As you listen, you’re consciously counting the coming weeks when you will be ignored because something different has come around. It’s truly a bittersweet scenario. “YAY!!! She’s happy”, and “GRR!!! This bitch’s happiness is annoying the hell out me. She’s so in love it’s sickening!” constantly battle in your head.

Of course, you know that in a few months, you’ll listen to her whine about her ‘new’ guy and how he pissed her off. Enter the bells and whistles singing “Thank God I’m single!!!”. Because you know with every ounce of your being that every man is an asshole or every woman is a bitch and you are SO much better off not having to deal with that BS!!

The problem is that not every man is an asshole, and not every woman is a bitch. The person who cheated on their last partner might not cheat on the next. That man who screwed you over won’t screw over all of them. People change. They grow. they learn. It sucks that you have to be their learning experience, but you’ve had yours too.

What it boils down to is that everyone has had their heart broken. Everyone has broken a heart or two. Being jaded and cynical will not hurt anyone but yourself. Maybe at some point, one of the great three will be different. Maybe not. All I can do is sit back and let life pay out. The challenge is doing it with an open mind and giving the benefit of the doubt. Let’s see how this goes!!!


–ARJ ❤

The Joy of Lights

As a child, we look forward to Christmas because Santa brings us a pile of things we wished for that Mommy and Daddy would never get us. We write letters, go sit on his lap, ramble off a list of outrageous ideas and die in anticipation until that beautiful morning when everything has arrived. We ooh and aah at all of the lights and displays and songs. We base an entire year on one fateful day.

As an adult, I’ve learned that with this huge day comes a certain feeling. When Christmas is close, I just get all warm and fuzzy. There’s an unspoken sense of contentment that comes with the season. It has become more about giving and making my children happy above all else. To see the looks on their faces on Christmas morning makes the stress and dread of the season all worth while.

This year, that feeling just wasn’t there. I was worried that there wouldn’t be enough under the tree. What if Santa could not bring everything my babies wanted? What if there was ONE thing that was not there that made everything they did get seem insignificant? I became so obsessed with seeing that one look, that one smile, that one sparkle in their eyes, that I forgot to enjoy the season. That is until two nights ago.

Time for a back story… (bear with me, there’s a point!). I live in King William County, Virginia. It’s a fairly small county so when I was growing up, everyone pretty much knew everyone. There was always one house at Christmas that was the prettiest and most festive at Christmas. This house belonged to a well known and liked family. The house itself is simple. A quaint white rancher sitting off the road with a slightly sloping yard leading to a pond. At Christmas, this family decorated with plain white lights but did it in such a beautiful way. The pond has lights around it. The house has lights on it. The yard has lights in it.

Well last year, the house was not decorated.The county was devastated but understood. Every family has trying times or just gets tired of doing the same old thing. Whatever the reason was, Christmas was not quite the same. This year, it looked as though those decorations would not make it up again. Facebook was in an uproar when my dear friend, Jimz, posted that those lights might not make it up. Everyone offered to help out in any way they could to make those lights happen this year. However, they never went up, at least not that I saw.

Then Monday night, I was riding to the store, just talking up a storm when I saw it. The entire house was lit up. The tree constructed of white lights was shining with the intensity of a thousand angels. There were deer lit up on the pond. The house had lights. Even the drive way was lit up!!! It was one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen. I went completely speechless. For those of you that know me well, you know how big of a deal this is! I could not speak. I just stared.

In one second, it all came back. That feeling, the warm and fuzzy one that used to come with Christmas. I FELT Christmas and it feels like sheer joy. In that moment, I knew that Christmas would be great as it always turned out to be. The stress melted away. All at once, I believed in the Miracle of the holiday, Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus, and every one of his freakish little elves! Christmas had come back with a force. I was reminded that it did not matter how much my kids got. They are good kids, they’ll be grateful for whatever they receive and would be okay if they could not get anything. I was reminded that Christmas is about family and being together. I was reminded that no matter what, I’m blessed more than so many people that I know for not only did God give His son to save me, he gave me MY children to do the same.

For this I must thank this family. I really thought I’d be the only one that was so enthused but Jimz received so many Facebook comments about how happy they were to see those lights. It’s amazing what a few Christmas decorations can do for a family and a community. They may not realize it, but this family makes the holiday special for everyone who sees their display. I’m sure that one day, much to our dismay, these lights will no longer be up for all to see, but that one memory will live with me forever and I’ll always remember what Christmas is about.

Merry Christmas to you and yours this season. I hope Santa was as good to everyone else as he was to me. God bless you all. 🙂

November Thanks

Initially, I was going to do the NaBloPoMo post a day every day in November. My goof ball behind missed day two. Off to a great start, huh? Anyway, when considering this, I asked my friends for ideas on posts. One of my many mothers, Tracy, suggested that I write about a different person every day who has impacted my life in some way or another. I LOVE this idea. Therefore, I am going to move forward and do this. My posts will start tomorrow. Every day from November 4 through November 30, I will choose one person or a select group of individuals who have had a major impact in my life. These people may have affected my life positively or negatively, the only requirement is that they made an impact.
Every individual will be one that I learned from. Whether they were in my life for good or bad, there is always a lesson to be learned. I’m a strong believer in “everything happens for a reason” as well as “every person enters your life for a reason”. I truly believe a lot of things go back to fate and destiny. Do we control our own destiny? To a certain extent, I think so. However, some things are out of our control. People entering your life is one of those things.
I think God, or whomever you choose to believe in, sets out a plan for everyone. People are placed strategically in order to teach us things we need to know and shape us into the individuals we are meant to be. Too often, people take bad experiences and allow them to shape them into jaded, cyncial, mean people. I admit, I am guilty of that. However, I’ve learned to turn these bad experiences and people into positive lessons in my life. Thus far, through tears, heartache, laughter and love, I’ve enjoyed my journey and the people in my life. I can only hope you appreciate the stories as much as I do.
Until tomorrow, I bid you adieu!